May 1, 2012

The Spirit of Laziness

It's been 3 months since I had Solomon and for the first 6 weeks I did nothing. I was chained to the couch and Solomon was chained to me, well more like my chest. All I did was snuggle with my baby, watch movies/TV shows, and try to sleep. I was ok with that because I knew that I wanted to take full advantage of my first son being a newborn. I knew it would flash before my eyes so I was all for soaking it up. John was, and still is, so helpful with the baby and the house, especially the dishes since they seem to be my arch nemesis.

When the seventh week rolled around I was ready to make some magic happen around the house. I cleaned and did the best I could while taking care of a newborn. I felt satisfied and proud of myself for making an effort and accomplishing several tasks a day.

So, I don't know what happened. Somehow I regressed back to the chained-to-the-couch phase. I don't mean, taking a break, or just a couple days a week. I mean, every single day I was on the couch watching TV shows and feeding/changing the baby. I stopped going on walks, stopped cleaning, stopped picking up after myself, stopped folding laundry, stopped cooking or cleaning dishes.

I have been feeling very lazy.

John has still been so good. He doesn't harp on me for not doing anything and praises me when I do, even though I know he gets frustrated sometimes. It's all me. I keep feeling worthless for doing nothing but have absolutely no desire or energy to make myself do anything. I feed myself, of course, because I'm nursing, but beyond that it's nothing.

I was talking to a friend at church about how I was feeling and she said I was being too hard on myself. It's only been 3 months and my life has taken a huge shift that I need to give myself time to adjust to. She prayed with me about not letting the enemy make me feel like I'm not being who I'm supposed to be and I felt much better afterwards.

As I was talking to John about it later at lunch, I realized that it's not the chores that are making me feel lazy, it's the lack of the Lord's presence in my daily life. I have not been reading His word and seeking His face. I barely listen to praise and worship music and I barely even pray over my family. I have not been seeking the Lord and therefore opened a door for the spirit of laziness to enter into my life.

I have never wanted anything more than to be a wife and a mom. Sure, I have dreams about art and music but as far as who I want to be, it has always been a wife and mom. Now that I have both of those I feel like I have gotten everything the Lord has promised me, but honestly it's harder than I thought it would be. I have the two most rewarding jobs, but they also happen to be the hardest. They are constant, never ending, 24/7, without breaks or vacations, and they will last a lifetime, and without the Lord to guide me I am useless. Without the Lord's presence in my life I am more harm than good to my family. I can have everything I want but without Him, it all means nothing. Without God, my title as wife and mom is just a job, but with Him it becomes my life, my ministry, my purpose, who I was created to be.

It doesn't mean I won't have hard days, lazy days, or even mess up but it does mean that I can't fail.

It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet if deer, and sets me on my high places. Psalms 18:32-33

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